As I was thinking about what word I was going to choose for this past year, trust wasn't my original choice. But I had this nagging feeling that God was asking me to trust Him and use this year to put that trust into practice.
I had high hopes--great expectations for this year. I thought this meant that I would be trusting Him to keep growing our family, even if it was hard. I trusted Him through my first heart-killing miscarriage and the realization that I had lost a baby that I desperately wanted.
But this year, oh this year, has been by far the hardest and darkest year that I have walked through in my life. The most painful, valley ridden year that had me hanging my head, staring at the ground rather than keeping my eyes fixed where they needed to be-- on Him.
To be honest?
There were quite a few times that I didn't want to look at Him. I was angry, hurt, completely destroyed because I lost another baby, and then another, and lost our fourth when I was desperately trying to place my trust in His plan.
The thing is? I really wasn't trusting Him.
I had so many ifs.
If you give me a baby.
If you let me carry this baby to birth.
If you do this on my terms.
And I was scared. Every. Single. Time. I didn't give it to him, I didn't just allow it to happen like I should have. I allowed fear to dictate how I dealt with these losses, and subsequent pregnancies.
Do I think that it isn't a good idea to seek medical advice? Of course not. I think God works through a myriad of ways, and I've explored many options when it comes to our fertility issues, both through prayer and through medicine.
But the biggest thing I've learned this year is that even through heartache, pain, and darkness you can still trust. It's incredibly difficult, and at times seems completely impossible, but as I've vowed to give these pains and troubles to Him every single day, my life has become all that more full.
I don't know what this next year holds for me and my family, but I do know that this year has helped me grow as a mother and a person.