Monday, January 26, 2015

Loss.



My arms are bruised and unbelievably sore from all the blood that I've had drawn recently,  and even now as I write, it doesn't really seem real.

It was early, but I already felt pregnant. I had morning sickness, a weird craving for onions which I normally hate, and there were those two pink lines that mean everything when you are trying for a baby.

And now, well, the nausea is gone but some of the symptoms have persisted a little longer even though I've lost my little baby.

My pregnancy was so easy with Juliet, I got pregnant quickly and breezed through the 9 months of growing my precious baby girl. I won't get that chance with this little one.

I know--must believe-- and trust that this is all part of His plan. That my little baby was chosen to go before us because he or she was just too precious to be gone from Jesus for too long. I have hope that I will someday see a sweet little child waiting for me when it's my time to go home.

I can't help but think, to fear, and wonder if I will ever have the joy of getting to be pregnant again. If I will ever feel those tiny feet and hands moving inside my belly. Or right now, if I could handle potentially doing this all over again.

It's been a pretty isolating feeling. I have gone through such an array of emotions--at one moment being relieved that the experience is almost over, then being in such crushing pain I don't want to get out of bed.

It's really something that even now, not many talk about. I can't blame them. It's not a comfortable thing to talk about, for the person that's lost a baby or for the person who is hearing the information.

So when I've been asked in the last week or two when we would be having another child, I pause and am not quite sure what to say.

We should be having another baby right now, but we're not.  

11 comments:

  1. I am very sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you must be going through, but sending virtual hugs your way and keeping you and your family in my thoughts. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am so sorry for your loss, Caitlin. I'm grateful we do have that eternal hope of heaven when we - including you and your sweet little one - will forever be together with the Lord. I will be praying for you! Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's the only thing that has really helped me get through this situation, honestly, knowing that someday we will be together again.

      Delete
  4. Oh Caitlin, I'm just so sorry. It just.... sucks. But know that God cares for that little one so much, and no doubt is sharing in your sorrow. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's good to know that He is there, or this would really be a lot harder than it already is.

      Delete
  5. I am so sorry to hear about this, Caitlin. Praying for you and your family, and sending lots of love and hugs!

    xoxo
    Kat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Kat, we really appreciate it!

      Delete
  6. I'm so sorry for your loss. You know my heart goes out to you all. Sending up prayers for you and your family.

    ReplyDelete