When I chose Trust as my word of the year, I had no idea just what exactly that would entail. Sure, I thought I would have to trust God more in where my life was going but I thought this year would generally be like the last few.
It's now nearly May, and this year has thrown me a curve. Never had I dreamed that when I prayed about my word of the year and realized it was trust, that the trust would include trusting Him through two miscarriages.
That I would have to trust in His plan when I was told to go to a fertility specialist, and trust even more when we were told that medically there was nothing they could find as to why I lost two babies.
But it's interesting the way that things have panned out. It's been so hard throughout these last 6 months, but instead of turning away I have really focused on relying on God. So, even in the midst of all the chaos and heartache, I have felt some of the most overwhelming peace and have enjoyed my relationship growing closer and closer to Him.
Honestly, it still hurts and I'm not going to lie about that. I'm not "okay." Little things set me off that I don't even expect to upset me. Little newborns make me so happy and feel like there's a little piece missing in my heart at the same time. It's a weird feeling.
But I'm more at peace with what has gone on than I ever thought I could be.
And we've had some wonderful things happen, too. After years and years of feeling like I was floating around with no purpose, I've finally decided to go back to nursing school. I've got the opportunity for a new job that I should be finding out about soon, and I've met some wonderful women that have truly blessed my life.
It'll be interesting to see how the rest of this year goes, and I'll admit I'm pretty nervous about what other curveballs we may be thrown. But I'm also optimistic that we will continued to be blessed, even in unexpected ways.