Wednesday, April 22, 2015

When You Lose Again + An Update on My Word of the Year

This year has been a roller coaster of emotions. When I chose Trust as my word of the year, man did I not know what I was getting myself into.  

I feel like I've been pretty open with my life around here, including my miscarriage and the feelings that left me with. I wanted to be open and let other women know that we have to be there for each other. 

But what happens when you have another miscarriage and life gets a whole lot messier? 

I originally had planned on sharing this soon after it occured, just like I had with the first, but I just lost it. Like, "stopped functioning and barely got through the days" kind of lost it. 

So many women have lost 1 pregnancy, but multiple pregnancy losses? That starts to put you into your own category. Words like "specialist" and "hysteroscopy" get thrown around and your head just may start to spin with thoughts that maybe just maybe you won't feel another life moving around in your body again. 

Yesterday, after multiple blood draws and a couple uncomfortable procedures, I've been told that I'm physically fine and that we should try again in another month.

That simple idea holds so much fear, and yet so much hope. I guess that's all you can reall do; trust. I've prayed so much in the past month since we lost our second  little angel baby, and I know that God has a plan for our family. I feel that He's telling me that our family isn't done, but that doesn't mean that I know what the future holds.

So, right now, I will trust in my Lord and lean on him as we navigate this murky water, even with all the sadness and pain that goes with it. I will trust even through the days that I don't want to get out of bed, or the days that seeing a brand new baby or a pregnant friend brings me to tears even though I'm so happy for them. 

Because that's what I said I'd do this year, although I didn't know it would be quite this hard. 


  1. Oh, Caitlin. My heart aches for you and your husband. I am praying for you, as you endure this difficult time in your life. Take care of yourself.

    1. Thank you we really appreciate the prayers!

  2. My heart breaks for you Caitlin. I lost two angel babies before Raylan and it was the hardest thing I have ever been through. I was like you, I kind of just stopped everything for a while. I didn't know how to function. I want you to know that I am here for you if you ever need to talk, scream, cry or whatever it may be. I love you friend and I'm praying for you.

    1. Thank you so much Della. It's helpful just hearing that and knowing I have someone. If I didn't already have Juliet, I don't think I would've gotten out of bed some days. She's saved me a little bit.

  3. Love you, friend. I can't say I know what you're going through, but you know I'm here if you need to talk.