Thursday, June 25, 2015

I'll Rock You a Little Longer

I'll rock you a little longer my sweet baby. 

My sweet baby that I looked down at and in what seemed like an instant has turned into a little toddler. The sweet little face that smiles up at me and has lost that "baby" look; the sweet face that is starting to look like a little girl. 

I'll rock you in this nursery glider that doesn't get much use anymore. Your head barely makes it under my chin now as I cuddle you close to me, chest to chest. 

You've gotten so big my baby girl. Smelling that sweet head full of soft hair, I can still remember rocking you to sleep as a newborn, or nursing you in this chair not even a year ago. But you've outgrown those things. 

Soon you'll outgrow ever wanting me rock you. Pretty soon you won't need me to help you wind down before you go to sleep. You're nearly there now. 

So when you point to that rocking chair in the corner of your bedroom, one chubby hand sleepily rubbing your eye, I'll forget about the studying and cleaning and just how dead tired I am because I know this time with you won't last. 

Baby girl, as long as I'm living, I'll always rock you a little longer. 

Friday, June 19, 2015

High Five for Friday!

Phew, it's been a while since I've been on here for a Friday. It was a much needed break after this past loss.  You can read more about why I've been gone here. I've got some really fun projects in the works and I'm so excited to get to share them with you, so stay tuned!

Now, onto my five: 

1. I thought we were going to be potty training Juliet, because a week ago she told us every time she had to go on the potty. Now, she's not wanting a diaper but not wanting the toilet. I sense the terrible twos coming on strong...

 2. We have finished floors and painted walls in the laundry room! It's so nice and bright and happy  that it doesn't seem quite as bad being down there for my most dreaded task. Now to get rid of the armoires for a little more room. 

3. I shot a wedding a few weekends ago for my childhood neighbor. I was so honored to get to shoot for her and it was a lot of fun to be back in my hometown for the weekend. Plus, her kids are absolutely adorable, which makes for a super fun time shooting. 

4. We may have to get rid of our chickens. :( I've talked about them on and off on here, but now we have to go to the zoning board to get them approved. It's sad really because I think everyone deserves to have the option of raising their own healthy food, especially when something like this is so well maintained and has had absolutely no complaints. In fact, we've gotten everyone in our little neighborhood to sign a petition that said they don't mind them.

5. I'm knee deep in my first couple courses of college and it's so weird! I feel like I'm so out of the studying flow, so it's probably a good thing I won't be taking any science courses until fall semester. I guess it really is true that once you're out it's much harder to go back than the first time.

How has your week been? I'd love to hear!

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Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Losing # 3: The Post I Never Wanted to Write

**I wrote this post nearly two weeks ago, but it's taken me this long to get the courage to post. Every time I am deathly afraid to write about these losses, but I want all of this to be meaningful and hopefully it will help someone else.**

I'm sitting here in my little office upstairs, listening to my daughter babble to my husband as he patiently gets her ready for bed. The toddler temper flares slightly from being sleepy and the four teeth that all the sudden have decided to cut, but he speaks to her so tenderly. I can't help but think about what a great daddy he is.

And I'm sitting here, contemplating the post I'm about to write and not wanting to talk about this at all; not wanting to type the words. I've said it out loud, but writing it down just seems so, well, permanent.

We lost baby #3 last week. 

Three. Three little babies that are gone. Three little ones that I will never get to hold or cuddle, or breastfeed in the middle of the night, so very sleepy but feeling so incredibly blessed to have this little squishy baby in my arms.

I've gone back and forth about even sharing this. With the first, it was cathartic to write about the situation. The second, we still had hope, and I wanted others to know that they weren't alone. This time? Now I'm starting to be in a place all on my own. 1% of women experience 3 or more miscarriages in a row.

I didn't want to share because people say things that are so very hurtful, even when they are trying to help. "Taking a break", "relaxing about the situation",  "it'll happen eventually", "you'll be okay you're young" just pierce into that little part of my heart that is forever aching for these babies. It just feels like these little ones are being brushed aside, like they don't matter because we didn't get to meet them.

But I felt the sickness, I slept away the tiredness, my body changed for each of these babies.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so glad to have family and friends that want to support me through this situation, and I would never want to make them feel bad. It's just... well, nothing is going to bring them back and all I really need is a hug and an "I'm sorry."

The hardest thing about this loss? We weren't even trying. In fact, the exact opposite. I felt like God had a plan for us, and that was finally having another baby. I know He still does, but just not the plan that I desperately wanted.

This journey has been so incredibly hard. I'm frustrated with the doctor that I'm currently seeing because when something went wrong this time, after seeing a baby on the ultrasound, he didn't even try to help.

I'm mad because I'm pretty sure that it's just a hormone deficiency, but no one wants to listen to me. Of course they will now test for it "the next time."

I'm sad because I can't get into the doctor that I really want to see until August, and after 6 months and 3 lost babies, August just seems like a lifetime away.

I'm tired, because my body is run down and my brain won't shut off.

I feel alone because it feels like I'm the only one in the world that knows this pain. Even though I know that's not true,  I have such a hard time not feeling that way.

I feel angry at myself for any time I ever complained while I was pregnant with Juliet, because I would give anything to be in that place again.

Most of all, I hurt. I hurt more than I thought was possible. I hurt for the children I didn't get to meet, for my husband who I feel like I can't give a baby to, and for my daughter because she would be the best big sister in the world.