Wednesday, September 2, 2015

10 Things I Want You to Know About Recurrent Miscarriage

Hey all! I'm back for my next post in my "10 Things" blog series. I'm so glad you've joined me.  This week's post is a little more serious, but something so close to my heart.

As of this week, I've now had four miscarriages in the past 8 months on the journey to trying to conceive our second child. It's hard. It's sad. And it's lonely. 

Here's a few things I want you to know about recurrent miscarriage (and miscarriage in general): 

1. Being supportive of a miscarriage mama means just being there. 
She may not want to talk about it, or maybe she does.  Maybe she just needs to cry, or a good distraction for a few hours. You don't have to say anything, just let her know you are there for her. 

2. Comments like "you're young you'll be fine" or "it happened for a reason" or "God has a plan" or "at least you can get pregnant" often hurt more than they help. 
These comments are so hard because usually it's well meaning friends and family that say these, but that doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt regardless of intention. God having a plan doesn't mean losing this baby doesn't hurt. And being young doesn't mean you can't be infertile. It may not happen. And getting pregnant and staying pregnant are two very different things. That's painful obvious to a woman that has gone through multiple miscarriages. 

3. Early miscarriages are still a loss of a child. 
Just because you miscarry a week or two after finding out you are pregnant does not mean that you didn't lose a child. When that second line appears on that test, you begin to plan even when you try not to. A loss is a loss no matter when it happens.

4.  Secondary infertility is not any easier or less traumatic than any other infertility. 
Just because a woman has a child does not change that she has had another loss or problems getting pregnant. To tell her that at least she has a child is negating the pain of losing her other babies, or not being able to get pregnant. Her love for her child is not tied into her sadness for her losses.

5. Miscarriage is isolating. 
It can cause a mama to really feel like she is the only one on this hard road. And it gets harder and harder with each loss. 

6. Infertility treatment is stressful and life consuming. 
There comes a point after a few losses that infertility treatment is started. Bloodwork of more tubes than I cared to count were drawn, different avenues of medication are explored, outpatient surgery is sometimes prescribed, and sometimes there just aren't answers. Not knowing and constantly being tested for this or that consumes your life. 

7. Don't say "just relax and it'll happen."
I'm glad that worked well for you, and I'm so glad you have your beautiful baby now. But don't make it seem that I'm doing something wrong. There could be hormone imbalances, low fertility in one or both partners, or even an autoimmune disorder that is affecting a couple from having a baby. Relaxing doesn't work for everyone, even if they've already had a baby. 

8. Don't ask when someone is going to have more children. 
This is one I was definitely guilty of before I had my miscarriages. It seems harmless, but for someone who is struggling to have a child, this simple comment cuts like a knife. When someone asks me this, I just keep thinking that I should be having a baby in 18 days. But instead I'm tracking my hcg levels down to 0 from my 4th loss. And I really don't want to cry in front of you. So please, just remember you don't know what that woman is going through. Don't ask this question. 

9. Everyone grieves differently. 
Some mamas never talk about it. Some are very open about their losses. Others deny that it even happened. And it's all ok. Whatever that mama feels is ok. 

10. Recurrent miscarriage, miscarriage, and infertility can happen to anyone. 
You can't take enough vitamins, eat a certain way or live a certain lifestyle to avoid these issues.  They can still happen even if you do everything right. It's not your fault. 

Have you or someone you know dealt with miscarriage or recurrent miscarriage? What is something you want others to know? 

1 comment:

  1. This is a good list. As a person who has struggled getting pregnant and experienced a loss, too, I can relate.